Lana Bakes

Savory rice with a sensation of ginger that adds to appetite. This simple snack from a small cut banana is a legit lenbut. Although originating from Banyumas, Mendoan is also very popular in the area around the Banyumas ex-residency, such as Cilacap, Purbalingga, and Banjarnegara. Now, this culinary can even be found in various cities in Indonesia, from roadside stalls to modern restaurants. Recipe Guide and How to Cook Vegetable Asem at Home For Daily Menu Variations. Open the secret of the mainstay recipe that suits his wishes.

Mendut cake is a traditional snack that is a favorite of many people until now. In addition to its sweet and pressing taste, the texture is also very pleasure. Mendut cakes are made from glutinous rice flour with a slightly chewy texture. Like the words in the form of small pieces of bananas wrapped in banana leaves and steamed. Or banana nagasari cake with soft rice flour dough and wrapped in banana leaves. How to make easy mendut sticky rice cakes, making it a favorite wet cake for all families.

This article was written by Ardian Dwi Kurnia participants of the Merdeka Campus Certified Internship Program in AFP. Previously, lead rice became a mainstay of the farming community in West Java for supplies to the fields. Launch from various sources, Tuesday (18/2), see the following information reviews. Italian -style basic spices using avocados as the basic ingredient.

These three steamed banana cakes are easy to make and the price is cheap. For those who are just learning to make cakes, but are confused about where to start, you can try the sponge recipe. The reason is, in contrast to other cake recipes, this sponge is a cake that is not complicated how to make it.

Various Bolu Cake Creations

While Sedulur who wants to join as a super agent can check here right now. Many benefits can be obtained, including getting additional income and flexible work time! By becoming a super agent, Sedulur can be a food reseller that helps the nearest environment get basic needs easily and cheaper prices. Steam Mendut over medium heat for about 15 minutes, while occasionally opening the lid. Mendut cakes are often used as food dishes at certain events. This cake is flat in a flat round with a soft texture and sweet taste.

Tempe Mendoan is the best to eat when it’s still hot. In a container mixed with glutinous rice flour, flour and salt. Give enough pandan paste and add water gradually, knead evenly until it can be formed. Well, you can really make tempeh mendoan krispi and crispy and tasty. The name “mendoan” itself is said to originate from the Banyumasan language ‘pushed’, which means half cooked, according to the frying technique wrapped in thin flour. If fried until crispy, this tempeh is no longer called mendoan, but an ordinary fried tempe.

  • This cake is generally made from glutinous rice flour.
  • This cake has a philosophy related to the color and texture.
  • This cake is often served at traditional events, such as weddings, salvation, village clean and nyadran.

Arem Arem comes from Java, especially Central Java and East Java. History of Arem Arem cannot be separated from the agrarian culture of Javanese society. In the past, farmers often brought supplies of rice and side dishes wrapped in banana leaves into the rice fields.

Combine a variety of vegetables such as carrots, beans, and sweet corn for healthy and colorful filling. Saute vegetables with simple spices so that the natural taste of vegetables remains felt. Although its size is tiny and looks light, Mendut snacks turned out to store a pretty decent calorie. One mendut cake generally contains about 77 calories.

Tempe Mendoan

Over time, this way of wrapping develops into arem arem that we know today. Simple ingredients and practical ways of presenting make arem arem popular as daily food or dishes for certain events. Mix sticky rice flour with salt, then stir until well blended. Then, add warm coconut milk with pandan paste and stir until it becomes smooth and easily formed. Mendut snacks are usually easily found in traditional markets, especially in the area of ​​Central Java.

On the island of Java, it becomes quite popular food, and has another name, Jenang Grendul. Candil is usually served with marrow porridge made from rice flour mixed with coconut milk, so there is a combination of savory and sweet taste. Presentation added with coconut milk sauce and brown sugar adds to the taste. Mendut snacks are one of the traditional cakes typical of Central Java, especially the Temanggung area.

Akhir-akhir ini aku kepikiran May lagi.

Kenapa ya aku masih saja kepikiran?

Bukan kah janjiku untuk menunggunya hingga 25 September 2025 sudah aku lakukan.

Kenapa masih saja ada perasaan mengganjal?

So that was the answer.

Aku sering mikir seperti ini, saat aku melihat langit, bulan, bintang, matahari aku terbayang “setidaknya kita masih dibawah langit yang sama ya”

Lantas apa yang memisahkan kita

The real answer lies in the path she chose.

If only she knew how much damage I took,
how it felt to be left behind for that reason,
how it damned me apart when she said she never would
but she did it anyway.

Maybe this is it.
Maybe my part in her story is over.

For her, it might just be another chapter to close,
but for me, it’s a story I never wanted to end.
And yet, she turned the page as if it meant nothing.

In this world, the two most painful things are rejection and betrayal.

Yeah, I know she left with reasons, but she left anyway.

From the start, I knew she might never come back.
I know how she thinks. I know her.

But still, I kept wondering,
“What if I tried a little harder maybe it could’ve worked?”

Now I’m left with something I can’t easily heal from century of trauma they say.

I’m traumatized by this thing people so call LOVE.

You know what’s crazy?
Loving someone more than anyone else,
trusting them with everything you are
and then watching them walk away. 

“I cried like a child the night you left.
Not because you were gone,
but because you promised you never would be.”

You said it hundreds of times, didn’t you?

But you left anyway.

Whatever went wrong between us it wasn’t just me, and it wasn’t just you.

But it’s all good. I’m just an ordinary man also so-called “tak ber-uang”.

But don’t worry you’ll find someone better, I hope you do.

But here is the twist…

You’ll never find a man like me.
I’m not talking about looks or money.
You can find plenty who have more of those.

I’m talking about loyalty.
About a man who would’ve done anything, given everything and died protecting the woman he loved with every little thing he had.

I never cheat, I never flirt, maybe I wasn’t perfect…I’m, but I was real.

I was loyal to the bone, even when loyalty was the thing that broke me.

Funny thing is, while I’m writing this, I’m listening to For the Love of You.

Guess what… that’s the proof I still love you 
but I’m done chasing you.

I’m done not because I don’t want to try anymore, but because I’m tired.

I almost went insane through all this mess,
and thank God I’m still able to walk it through.

Someday I will tell you secrets.

“One deep talk and apology could have fixed us, but you choose to leave.”

Another what if…

Maybe it could’ve worked.
Or maybe not.

Maybe I was just the problem.

Something that needed to be removed, because I was never truly wanted.

This will be a masterpiece post.” – The Writer

Bitter, harsh, real and sweet, just like the story itself.

Sepulang dari Lampung, dari Bekasi ke Jogja, ke Semarang bulan Mei kemarin aku play lagu ini di jalan.

You’ll never understand how it felt.

Bukan hanya sebuah lagu, coba aja dengerin liriknya itu adalah harapan dan doaku.

Damn it… everything just got Fkd up, blown into thin air like it was nothing.

Hahaha, that’s life and life is a B-word, they say.

At least your life is a little better than mine.

Because I know you’re in pain too so be grateful, okayy?

I’m really happy for you, you made it.

All the dreams you once talked about are finally coming true.

Alhamdulillah for that.

But… what about my dream? Hehehe

My dream?
My dream was to spend the rest of my life happily with you.

Now you feel me, right?

“hold the course mann” 

ATTENTION PLEASE!

Aku akan lanjutkan tulisan ini sebentar lagi aku mau makan dulu,  hehe

Edit: 20:49

Continue

“Reject me a hundred times, and I’ll still try one more time.”


Not because I don’t value my pride but because I love you more than I love my ego.


It’s more than the fear of getting hurt again.
Because when the heart chooses someone,
logic doesn’t stand a chance.

It sounds about right… doesn’t it?

How many times have you left me?

Once… twice… oh, three times.

And still, here I am.

Once, you said you weren’t ready for a relationship, but then you came back and said I made you feel safe, feel not insecure anymore, feel respected.

Second, you said you wanted to focus on your thesis.

Even you said I wasn’t man enough because I resigned from my job, , because I stepped into your boundaries.

But again, you came back and said you could never live without me.

Even then, I said it was the last time I’d forgive you.
And you said, “Yes.”

Then came the third time.

You did leave me again for reasons I never truly knew.

How come two weeks before, you said you loved me, we had those long lovely talks, we even spoke about relocate my job thing, we talked our future plans…
yet you chose to leave.

You left me in the very month of your greatest accomplishment. How ironic :)

Yeah, we had our arguments, but they were never strong enough to end what we had.

So my theory?
It was something bigger than our fights.

Maybe the distance.

Or maybe… because I wasn’t a PNS.

Or because I was broke.

I don’t know which one’s the truth because you never told me.

Or maybe you did,
and I just never truly understood.

“Maybe after fifteen years,
you’ll ask why I never married.

And I’ll just smile, look at you, and say I was too busy loving someone who was never mine…

I guess I forgot to move on.

Because you were my last try.
You were my last love.
You were my last hope.
The last person I trusted.

Even when I was hurt, I still cared.
Even when I was cried, I still tried.

I don’t know if you’ll ever stay in my life,
but for me it was always you.
Only you.
Always you.”

“If you knew I wasn’t the one for you,
then why did you waste your time with me?

You said I was the one you’d been looking for and now, here we are… seventeen months later.

I let you into my world,
and you walked out with your head held high.

If I was really the one,
then why did you leave me here alone,
with tears falling down my eyes?”

I guess we both miscalculated.

“You believed I’d move on.
I believed you’d come back.”

And that’s how we both lost each other by believing the wrong thing.

But you did miscalculate…
Because I never moved on.

You left after our 3.5 years of long-distance struggle, as if everything we fought for meant nothing.

All your efforts coming to Jogja, me going to Semarang, our every-night sleep calls,
our loyalty, our sacrifices emotional, material, and everything in between suddenly felt like they had no meaning.

The worst thing you miscalculated was thinking I’d move on easily.
But didn’t you remember what kind of man I am?

Maybe I’m the most loyal person you’ll ever meet in your entire life.

And the second you left me when I was 27, you never calculated how long it would take to heal.

Clearly, 17 months still isn’t enough to fix that pain.

In five months, I’ll be 29.
And I still have nothing. (God forbid.)

Because relationships aren’t just some game you can play with, they can destroy someone’s life.

And maybe I’m that someone.
But it’s all good, because destruction taught me what love really costs.

And you, Mayku
You’ll always be the most beautiful mistake I never regret.

STUPID ME, they say.
But I’d still choose you, even knowing the ending.

“Now everyone wants her,
because she’s beautiful and successful.


But I was there when she wasn’t sure who she was yet, uncertain, still finding her way.

I saw her light long before the world did.”

SMART ME, they won’t say that, hahaha


That’s one of my abilities seeing the value in people long before anyone else does.

“When I love, I love completely.
I don’t cheat.
I don’t play games.
When I choose you, it’s only you.

So if you ever lose me, know that it was never because I stopped trying.
It’s because you stopped caring.”

It’s sad huh?

It was and it is.

“For the first time,
I chose to give someone a chance and that someone was you.

Just to keep you in my life,
I broke every rule I once swore I’d never break.”

I might sound like butthurt man but aren’t those all facts.

I’m still learning to live without you and somehow, that’s okay.

“Maybe I was meant to love you, not to keep you.”

The reason I wrote this is simple, I want it to sound natural, from a real point of view.

Something that makes people say, “Yeah, I felt that, man.”

And deep down, I just want her to know,
“He really loved me.”

Yeah, maybe it was never enough to bring her back but that was never the reason I wrote this, right.

When your chest feels like it’s about to explode from the weight you carry, you have to find a way to let the shit out.

And me?
I read poetry, I listen to R&B.

I go outside and find a quiet place maybe a chair in the park,

Or I just sit on the teras at midnight, staring at the night sky.…

Or I write things like this.

That’s my thang.

I think that’s enough for tonight. I’ll come back tomorrow with new poetic words, if not unapologetic words, that real, raw and true (atleast in my opinion)

Edit 23:03, 10/24/25

GN and have a good rest.

Day 2

I try watching movies to get inspiration.

  1. The Best of Me (2014)
  2. The Notebook (2004)

The Best of Me tells the story of two high school first loves who are separated because the girl’s parents disapprove of the boy’s family background. They continue to fight for their love, but tragedy strikes: the boy gets into a fight with his father, and his friend is accidentally shot in the head and dies. The boy and his father end up in prison.

While in prison for eight years, the boy tells the girl not to wait for him. Yet she insists, visiting him every day for a month, but he refuses to see her. Eventually, she gives up.

Twenty-one years later, they meet again. The girl is married with a child, but the boy is still single. She asks if he ever loved anyone else, and he simply replies, “Yes, with you.” She falls silent, realizing it was twenty years ago. He just smiles.

In the end, she realizes that her marriage hasn’t made her happy — her husband cannot love her the way she needs. She returns to her high school love, but tragically, it’s too late: he dies, shot by his father who had already been released from prison.

I also watched The Notebook (2004) for inspiration, and it was Ryan Gosling that play Noah. 

I got confused about Ryan Gosling with Ryan Reynolds wkwk

But this is the story:

It’s the story of Noah and Allie, two young lovers from very different social backgrounds. They meet one summer, fall in love, and share an intense, pure connection. But Allie’s parents disapprove of Noah because of his lower social status, and they are forced apart.

Years later, Allie gets engaged to another man, while Noah never stops loving her. He buys and restores an old house, fulfilling the dreams they once shared. When they reunite, the love between them reignites instantly showing that true love doesn’t fade, no matter the time or distance.

The story alternates between young love and old age: in the present, an elderly Noah reads their story from his notebook to Allie, who now suffers from memory loss. Despite the challenges of aging and illness, their love remains unwavering.

In the end, The Notebook shows that true love is about loyalty, sacrifice, and never letting go even when life and circumstances try to pull you apart.

Overall semuanya tentang kebucinan cinta pertama mereka dan orang tua yang tidak menyetujui hubunngan karena perbedaan status, year after year berlalu pihak cewe sudah settle dengan kehidupannya namun pihak cowo selalu single, IDK why but maybe those are the men things but, in the end, real love always wins.

Aku tau film ini dari reels yang lewat aja sih karena ada scene yang menarik, namun setelah aku coba lihat tidak sesuai ekspetasiku, tapi ada beberapa lines yang quoteable.

 

“Love isn’t always about what makes sense.
It’s about who makes you feel something.
Who pulls you back even when the future is uncertain.
Who you choose even when it’s hard.

In midlife, we learn that not all love is neat and tidy.
But that doesn’t make it less real.
Sometimes we love not because it’s easy…
But because it’s them.

Do you believe love is a choice?”

I do believe love is a matter of choice.

For me, it’s choosing someone not because it’s convenient, not because it’s safe, but because they matter more than pride, ego or fear.

I’ve chosen this love, fully, painfully, completely, relentlessly even when it broke me even when it seemed impossible.

Even now I choose it, because I know what it truly means to love someone that truly means anything to you.

“You know the truth.
But still… you hold on to that 1% hope.”

Okay thoughts are full, I’m ready to write something after dinner

Edit: 18:14 10/25/25

Pause again, Cindia nanya kabar dia chat 7 hari lalu dan baru kubales sekarang karena Hp-ku baru aku betulin wkwk

Thank God, I still have friends that still care about me.

Edit: 19:29 10/25/25

“Dia sudah dewasa, meskipun ada alasan dibalik itu, dia tetap memilih untuk pergi”

Did you?

“ibaratnya dia punya 3 pilihan

1. dia bertahan dan mencari jalan keluar
2. berpisah secara baik baik
3. berpisah secara sepihak”

And she choose the third one.

What I did you wrong :(

Those words came from my most trusted friends.
(You were one of them, WAS).

Did you listen to the video above?
It said, “We gotta do some work to make it work.”

But I guess not everyone’s willing to.

I kept it 100.
I kept fighting.
I kept trying to fix things.
I kept my heart loyal.

But you didn’t want to make it work.

You knew how hard I tried.
You knew what I was fighting for.
And deep down, I know you still had that feeling too.
So why… why didn’t you do anything?

 

DO YOU LOVE ME?

Look at that photo.
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.

Now answer not with guilt, not with logic, but with whatever’s left inside your chest.

Don’t think about what I want.
Don’t think about what your friends say,
what people expect,
or even what your parents want.

I’m not asking for reasons.
I’m asking for truth.

Imagine us in 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now.

Finally together after everything we went through, after all those years long-distance that killing us then we lived happily together.

Just picture it in your mind, for a second.

And aswer this…

What do you really want?

Edit: 00:36 10/26/25

Now, every time I look at that photo, I can’t help but think…damn,

We came from loooong way.

We came from the bottom, through every damn storm and I thought we finally made it.

We were so close, even we already planning our future, the next step after you settle into your PNS things.

Do you remember why you applied PNS first and I didn’t?


Because yeah, I don’t want to be PNS in the first place.

But other reason is after you got accepted, I planned to follow you, wherever your placement would be.

That was always the plan, our plan.

But we blew it up.
Wait no, you did because you got scared.


Scared that your placement might not be in a big city, scared that I wouldn’t find a job there.

But we never even tried to figure it out, did we?

Like I said before, in the very month you get that job PNS, that’s when you left me clueless.


That month, I didn’t even know what to feel, happy or broken


But let’s be honest, not broken, I was destroyed.

I cried every night after work for three weeks straight.


I couldn’t eat, couldn’t even drink properly.

You know what’s crazy?
In just one month, I lost 4 Kg not because I tried to, but because my body couldn’t handle the stress of losing you. (until today if I’m being honest)

I don’t know if you felt the same, May.

But what I do know is, the day afte Monday, your Instagram story didn’t look like someone who was hurting. 

Am I wrong?

But no worries there’s always a positive side, right?


Atleast I got a fit body now.


Lost 13 kilo in a year… and yeah, got a little bald too wkwk


Guess heartbreak comes with some bonus workout plan, huh? hehe

Thank you :)

Edit: 01:10 10/26/25

Day 3

Bit harsh, didn’t it?

I’m sorry, but those were the truth, at least from my perspective.

You can counter it with arguments, with what your friends told you, or with whatever those toxic “feminism” TikTok influencers keep pushing.

But those were my arguments.

And like I’ve always said I could never win a debate with you.

Because you…
You’re the most amazing, the cutest, the most beautiful, the most brilliant and the most talented woman I’ve ever known.


Maybe the only one I will ever meet, in my entire life.

But for this time,
Just this one time,
I think I win this one.

Do you agree with that, Mayku?

“IF WE DON’T TELL PEOPLE HOW WE FEEL, HOW WILL THEY KNOW”

Edit: 08:32 10/26/25

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m pushing this far.

Because the pain brought me to this point.

If you remember, how many times have I ever been mad at you?

How many times have I ever yelled at you?

You once said that I was never mad or yelled at you, right?


Do you remember when you got into your “panic mode,” sometimes you got mad and yelled at me, even once you said something mean to me?

And you know what, those things were nothing compared to how big my love for you.

Even after all those unfortunate events we went through, I still cared, I still loved you, I always will.

Why didn’t I get mad or yell at you, even when maybe it was necessary?

Because I hate when people get mad at me. I hate when they yell at me.

Why did I always stay real and loyal?

Because who would ever want a fake or disloyal friend?

If I ever want act funny or something, I could have easily turn into an “Obito-type” villain, but why would I do something that dumb? :p

Why are you always there
for everyone?

Because I remember what it felt like when I needed someone and no one
showed up.

I promised myself
I’d never let anyone feel that kind of
emptiness if I could help it.

Don’t you ever wonder why I care so much, why I always look out for unfortunate people?

Because I know exactly how they feel, being left, being treated like you’re nothing, being left behind like you were just another thing that easy to replace.

Those who look down on them just don’t know what it feels like.

To them, it’s just another story until one day, the story switches to them. 

“Nothing hurts more than
when the person who made
you feel so special yesterday,
makes you feel so unwanted
today.”

Edit: 10:10 10/26/25

“I’m sorry I kept trying to get back together with you.

I guess I just wasn’t ready to accept that something we once believed would last forever had actually come to an end.

I kept convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, we could fix things.

That if I tried a little harder, loved a little more, you’d see that we were meant to be.

I wasn’t trying to be selfish.

I just didn’t know how to let go.

It’s hard to erase someone who was once my safe place, my best friend, my home.

I thought if I could remind you of what we had, we’d find a way back.

But love doesn’t work like that, does it?

I replayed our memories like a favorite song, hoping that if I held onto them tight enough, they’d bring you back.

I thought if I reached out one more time, maybe this time you’d respond differently.

But every unanswered message, every silent moment, was your way of telling me what I refused to hear.

So, I’m sorry.

Sorry for holding on when I should have let go.

Sorry for trying to force something that was already gone.

And sorry for not realizing sooner that if you truly wanted to stay, I wouldn’t have had to fight so hard to keep you.”

I get it now.

Edit: 14:29 10/26/25

What could you say about this?

Like I said before, I was completely clueless about what really happened.

I tried to understand things from your perspective to put myself in your shoes and figure out why you made that decision.


I tried and run through every angle, every possible scenario, but none of it made sense at all.

Just two or three weeks before that, we were having amazing conversations, talking about your first days at work, your new routines, your excitement about finally living the dream you always wanted PNS.

It felt like everything was falling into place.

Our dream was next, at least, that’s what I believed.

But deep down, I already sensed the danger.


You had achieved your dream, becoming a PNS, working close to your hometown (well, not that close, maybe four or five hours away hehe).


And there I was just a regular guy with a retail job that could relocate me every few months.

The distance between us started to grow, between your perfect new life, your stability, and my uncertainty.


You were afraid I wouldn’t find a job in Lampung.
So, I could sense it all.

But I trusted you.
Because I knew what kind of woman you were, the kind who wouldn’t just walk away like that.

But later… we both know what happened.


Those things that broke me, and in some way, destroyed me like you stabbed me from the back.

Edit: 17:48 10/26/25

BTW, whos just became a new aunt? :p

Selamat atas kelahiran debay tercintanya ya Mas Hani dan Mba Ima, semoga debaynya sehat selalu, menjadi anak yang soleh/soleha yang berbakti pada orang tua dan sukses bahagia dunia akhirat. Aamiin 

Sorry I can’t say this directly, but I truly mean it.

Do you want to know what I’m feeling right now?

You know what’s crazy?

I’ve reached a point where I feel like nothing worthless, a failure, a broken product.


Like garbage… like trash… like a piece of shit.

You what scared me?

In five months, I’ll be 29.
And I have to start over again from absolute zero.

No job, with little money.

And no, don’t tell me it was my fault for resigning from my job.

Do you even know why I quit?

Because it was impossible to stay professional and pretend everything was fine, when my whole world had just collapsed even Fkd up.

With that kind of weight and pain in my head, I couldn’t think clearly and that’s dangerous when you’re leading a team with many people in stake.

If my store’s sales dropped, people could lose their jobs.

And I couldn’t let that happen.

So I made the hardest decision, I sacrificed myself instead of letting my team take the hit.

That’s what a leader does.

That’s what a real man does.

That’s what Pac would does

And after I resigned… you asked why I didn’t find another job?

Because I was broken, May.


Emotionally, mentally, completely shattered.

You didn’t calculate that far, did you?

You’re smart, smarter than me, maybe even a genius.

But I’ve been through alot of things.

I have fired people before.

And when I did, I always measured the impact how far and deep it would go.


I gave second chances, relocation offers, options.

Because firing someone was always my last options to think of.

You, on the other hand, made that decision to walk away without even trying to calculate how deep it would cut and you even didn’t give me any options. Did you?

Maybe you think…
“I’ll get over this., time heals everything.”

But it’s not always, May, not for everyone.

I never said we couldn’t break up or something.

If I ever make an unforgivable mistake, I will understand, but what you did made me clueless about what happened.


But did we ever cross the three rules that we made to keep? Or even do you remember those three rules?

We don’t cheat.
We don’t hurt each others.
We don’t do drugs, alcohol, or murtad

Did we ever break one of those?

No.

We promised that if neither of us broke them, we will always find a way, a solution.

But did you even try?

I don’t know.

You never told me, maybe you did quietly, in the background.

But I never see that.

I know you were hurting too.


I know deep down, you didn’t want to end it our love.

If you ask me, how I know?


Because you didn’t change our WhatsApp photo for two weeks.


You still want uploaded our pictures to Google Photos that I asked to you.

I know it and I think you regreting that broke up, in first month or two month after the event.

But after my stupid mistake that night, I don’t know what really happened behind the scenes with your family.


My theory is that your parents made you promise not to have any direct communication with me again.

Am I right?

But I still know that you still had that feelings. 

Why is that, May?


Do you remember the flower seller?

The way you still replied through them… or that DM from Lala?

Maybe it was you who sent it through her or maybe it was just Lala herself I’ll never know for sure.

I know you still had those feelings, but you chose to suffer rather than try to find a way.

What I do know is this:

You knew it would hurt.

You knew both of us would suffer.

But you still did it anyway.

Why, May… just why?

“The more you didn’t want me, the harder i tried,

The harder i tried, the more you didn’t want me”

Edit: 00:36 10/27/25

“Everything comes down to the last person you think of at night before you fall asleep. That’s where your heart truly is.”

And it’s still you, Mayku.

Day 4

I’m sorry if these words sting or made you uncomfortable.

I just need to let them out from my chest.

I’m not saying everything I’ve said is entirely accurate or factual.

It’s simply my version what I know, what I feel and what has wounded me for my point of view.

Please don’t get me wrong.

I could never hate you not even a bit, never.

I will always have respect for you and your family.

You’ve earned that, and you always will.

“You owe me nothing, Mayku. Not for your success, not for that shines in your life today.

Everything you have now, you’ve earned it yourself.”

What you owe me isn’t your success or your achievements.

What you owe me are the promises you made, the dreams, the plans you spoke of, those what we agreed to work on together.

Those are what you owe me.

Even without me, even if we had never met yoou would still achieve all your dreams.

Because you’re a prodigy, the most brilliant girl, the cutest, the most beautiful, the most talented and yes, the most clingy girl I’ve ever met :p

Eventually and inevitably, you would reach those dreams even on your own.

100%

But let’s give credit where it’s due.


Every achievement, every milestone they’re all yours.

I was just there, walking beside you while you chased those dreams.

Maybe you do owe me something, though.

That few rides I take you to the Terminal Banyumanik :p

Sebotol Kratingdaeng dan sebungkus Signature, I could call it even :p

Also, I don’t owe you my sarjana’s degree, because I’m a hustler.

Even with all the struggles, I believe I still would made it though.

But having you by my side back then… it just made everything feel so much easier, so much more meaningful so much more fun. 

 

Because back in February 2023, you mentioned that issue and honestly, It hurt me a little, you know why?

Because for a moment, it felt like you doubted my intelligence, the one thing I was always proud of.

But I didn’t confront you about it, because at that time, I had a bigger priority at stake…(to not risk losing you.)

What we truly owed each other was the safe place we built, for both of us.

You accepted me for who I am, with all my flaws, even when you knew I was just a broke man.

You made me feel seen, accepted, and loved in a world that often made me feel like I against the world.

Every time I messed up, you were there, supporting me, standing beside me, never judging me for what I lacked.

And for that, I’ll always be grateful that we met.

So was I.

When you felt insecure, unheard or unseen…

When the world made you feel like you weren’t enough.

When everything around you felt uncertain, I was there.

I was there supporting you, believing in you, even when you didn’t believe in yourself.

That was what we owed to each other.

Something that we might never find again in another lifetime.

That kind of deep understanding, that kind of acceptance without judgment and beyond any condition or emotion.

We were the best couple, atleast what I’ve ever known.

Not perfect, yess…

We had our flaws and scars but what we had was pure, honest, and real.

A love that built on support, sincerity and the will to stay, no matter how hard it got.

What’s funny is… do you still remember what we wrote on the “halaman persembahan?”

Our names …side by side will live on the internet forever… haha sukurin, untuk kita :p

If fate takes us to different paths, maybe someday our children will find upon it.

And when they ask, “dad, who is this girl?” I’ll smile and say, “It’s a long story.” damn :p

But honestly, I’d be happier if those children were OUR children, so I wouldn’t have to explain that damn thing or it would be much easier. :’)

Bukannya May dulu yang bilang yak, siapa yang ditulis di halaman persembahan itu harus yakin bakal dinikahi karena skripsi cuma sekali.

Nah loo sekarang gimana coba kalo udah kaya gini, bwang :p

That’s on you, May :p

Edit: 22:18 10/27/25

Why am I doing all of this?

What I’ve come to understand about love and life is this:
“It’s not about need. It’s about choice.”

I’m still chasing you, not because I need you.

But because I choose you because my heart wants you, because it’s YOU.

All the effort I gave to keep our love alive wasn’t something I needed to do.

Because love takes both sides to make it work.

But I did it anyway.

It was a choice I made.

I’ve been holding on for the last 17 months,
not because I had nothing else to do.

But because I chose this path and I ully aware of where it might be.

I didn’t “move on,” not because I can’t,
or because I need someone to fill the lonely I had.

But because I simply don’t want anyone else.

It was never about needing a woman.

It was always about choosing you.

Love, just like life, it’s never about need it’s about the choices we make and what our hearts keep choosing, again and again, no matter what happens.

So now, I can finally walk away free with pride.

Because I followed what my heart wanted, what my gut and instinct told me to do.

Even if the result wasn’t what I hoped for, at least now I’m free.

I’m free from the guilt of not trying and from the trap of “what if” that haunted me down lately.

I’m doing enough, I’m suffering enough, I’m enough.

Edit: 22:46 10/27/25

Day 5: The Era Comes to an End :')

Ga nyangka kisah ini akan berakhir ya, mungkin officially kisah ini berakhir Mei 2024.

Namun there’s me…that stubborn MF who kept trying to keep our love alive.

I did.

But I guess it just didn’t work.

Atleast I tried. Damn…

I don’t even know what to write anymore, it just hurts, more than I can say.

What I know is, I’ve played this song thousands of times.

I still remember the very first time you played its cover on your violin, in some January 2021.

My life, in a way that it feels like that song’s title itself: For the Love of You.

It will always remind me of you.

But it’s all good, we were strangers before and somehow, we ended up as strangers again.  

All of that… just to become strangers once more. (I’m punching the air like a fool wkwk)

*life got us jokes, huh? wkwk

You chose your path,
and I chose the path that to hold it on a little longer.

But I guess… it just didn’t work.

Still, don’t get me wrong.

I never gave up on our love.

But, why it failed?

Because love was never meant to be carried by one person alone, they’re a two-person job.

And so here we are, at the end of an era.

Edit: 00:06 10/28/25

Me, everytime now

“How many times can the same thing break your heart?”

“As long as you love it.”

*Let it hurt until it hurts no more.*

“as October is ending, I let go of the way you still wait for their name to show up”

“as October is ending, I let go of thinking it could’ve been different if you tried harder”

“as October is ending, I let go of the memories you use to convince yourself it was love (I still believe it was true love)”

“We spend so much of our lives waiting…
waiting for the right words,
the right opportunity,
the right version of ourselves.

We keep telling ourselves,
“I’ll love deeper once I’m healed.”
“I’ll chase that dream when I’m ready.”
“I’ll tell them how I feel someday.”

But someday doesn’t come for everyone.

If you love somebody, tell them.
If you want something, go for it.
If your heart keeps whispering “there’s more,” you better to listen.

Because the truth is, life is messy.
You’ll make mistakes, you’ll stumble,
and sometimes

 You’ll lose things that truly matter.
But you’ll never regret being brave enough to try.

So don’t play games with your time.
Don’t play small just to stay safe.
Say what you mean. Go where your heart pulls you.
You can deal with the mess later —
just live while you can.”

Edit: 08:36 28/10/25

Aamiin for that.

Wait a sec, I’m watching The Vow looking for a bit of inspiration.

I swear, if it’s about love and pain movie, it’s always Ryan Gosling or Rachel McAdams on it lol.

That was partly true…
But here’s the truth.

Do you want to know why now?

Why not May 2024, not December 2024 or
not even September 25, 2025 like I promised I’d wait for you?

And why not next year, or forever?

There are a lot of reasons.

First, love  just like a relationship is a two-person job.


Yeah, I know you never asked me to keep that love alive.

But like I once said,
“All of that… just to become strangers again?”

Too many efforts, too many sacrifices we made just to throw it all away.


But if only one person is fighting, it’ll never work.

Second, I ain’t mad at cha, never was.

I’m just disappointed, the why did you give up so fast,
as if there was truly no way left for us?

Third, you know I fought for us.


I know you saw me trying to hold it on, but the funny is you just there and telling me to let go.


I know, maybe you just didn’t want me to hold on to false hope.

But still, why didn’t you try one more time?

Fourth, what’s meant to be, will always find its way, they say.

You know, May… every single day, I prayed, I cried, I begged God to bring you back.

Did you ever do the same 
crying at 2 or 3 AM, begging Him for another chance for us?

Because I did and its almost every night.

So now, I just trust whats God’s plan, whatever it may be.

Fifth, in every prayer, I asked God for guidance.


“What should I do about this relationship?”

Sometimes, I thought maybe just maybe if I tried harder, if I gave it one more shot, you will come back.

But even until now, you’re still silent and that silence it slices through my heart every damn time.

After a few istikharah prayers, I once had a dream:
You were on a motorcycle,
someone (your father I gueess) else was driving.
You looked back at me with a sad face like you are not happy. 

Back then, I thought it meant
I had to chase after you.

So I did I chased you, I fought for our love, I hustled hard.

Then…

Later I realized, maybe it wasn’t about chasing, because you still running whenever I chase you.

Maybe it meant you had already accepted whoever was driving that motorcyle.

You looked sad, like your heart still loved me but your decision had already passed on.

I don’t really know which one’s true.

Maybe time will tell.

And here’s a secret.

Do you remember when I came to your house in August 2024?

When I tried CPNS?

And then WHV Australia in 2025?

Deep down, all of that, it was because of you.

I said I came to your house to “to fullfil my promise and ask forgiveness”

But honestly…

I just wanted you back.

I said I joined CPNS to make my mom proud and yeah, that’s partly true but deep down, it was about you again.

Even WHV Australia yesterday, I said it was my dream, to earn money, to able make out my parents go to Hajj.

But deep down, it was still about you again.


Because I believed that maybe if I became successful your parents would finally give their love.

Because I wouldn’t be that “broke guy” anymore.

But I failed  again and again.

And I think God was trying to tell me something:

“Ravi, you’ve done enough.
Stop fighting for her.
Do it for yourself now.”

Maybe that’s true.

Because if it’s real love, there shouldn’t be terms and conditions.

If you ever come back, I don’t want it to be because I became a PNS or because I finally have money.

I want it to be because you love me, just like I’ve always loved you no matter what.

And maybe that’s why God wanted me to finally understand all these things.